Fair

"That's not fair!"

How many times have you heard that?  About a jillion at least!  When one of my sweet angels from the daycare says this; (generally over not getting the toy they wanted; or not getting to be the line leader); I (in my most gentle, sweetest voice) say, "Life's not fair and never will be.  Suck it up, pick it up and move on!"

Oh, how those words have come back to bite me so often here lately!  No, it's not fair!  It's not fair that Summer Camp planning was going great; schedules completed; field trips booked; have more kids registered than ever before; lifeguard found.  But then, the inevitable happened.....Teacher resigns 3 days before camp is to begin; field trip is cancelled and will not reschedule because a deposit deadline was missed; lifeguard may or may not be hired.  Life is definitely not fair!

It's not fair that children get hit by tree limbs and are no longer running around the yard playing, giggling and enjoying life; but are going to numerous specialists.  It's not fair that infants are dying of cancer.  It's not fair that people are killed by careless actions of a drunk driver.  It's not fair that my cousin has gone thru numerous bouts of cancer!  Life is really not fair!

We are quickly approaching the first anniversary of Mike's death and oh how I feel my life has not been fair; but death has not been either!  It's not fair that Mike had a horrible disease that robbed him of everything; talking; walking; playing baseball with his boys; watching his boys grow into men; watching his boys find love and marry their soul mates; watching his boys become fathers; and eventually succumbing to life in death!  Oh as much as life is not fair; try walking thru the valley of death!  Talk about not fair!

Fair is one's state of mind; not necessarily reality.  My feeling of not fair is the guilt I can't seem to get over.  Guilt that Parker gave up 2 years of his life to take care of his dad.  Guilt that my boys lost a great mentor.  Guilt that I'm here enjoying life and Mike isn't.  Guilt that I'm moving on without my best friend; my confidant; my support in making difficult decisions; my sounding board and my biggest cheerleader!  It's REALLY not fair!

But as hard as 'not fair' is; it's also allowed, no forced me to come into my own.   I've gained confidence in myself again and a new found independence. I can be fun and fun to be around again!  I can be loud and obnoxious and blame it on my previous life and then in the next instance say; No!  this is me; like it or not!  I don't have to follow YOUR rules because; well life is not fair!  Suck it up, pick it up and move on!  I have!  (At least I'm working on it!)